Lost in the rain of my own tears

2005-03-01T02:11:00.000+08:00

Have you wondered how it feels when it's all over
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew
Never knowing where you're going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just close my eyes and say

I just wanna breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little, cry a little, live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little
Try a little more
I'll breathe again

Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still moves on
With a bit of lick
It's a brand new start
That might just work my way
No need to walk away
Don't want to live on life replay

I just wanna breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little, cry a little, live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little
Try a little more
I'll breathe again

Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn

I just wanna breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little, cry a little, live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little
Try a little more
I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

2005-02-26T01:06:00.000+08:00

terms are finally over. no more fray over tutorial notes, no more bartering of lecture materials, no more late nights, no more study groups and definitely no more mugging all the way into the night and cheonging to the exam hall at first light without any sleep. don't ever try that aye. its definitely sucidal. only the mighty me is capable of such a feat. haha yeah right. wait till the results are out. bwah one burden down but there are still the darn projects submission next week. pouts. oh and its nice seeing how the study group bonds everyone together. and its funny how ya can feel so distant from someone after not talking to them for awhile. okay time to catch up with my sleep.

2005-02-12T02:00:00.000+08:00

new year was kinda nice and warm except for the fact that the haul of ang baos was utterly pathetic. had a heart to heart talk with my cousins and for once got to play with audrey. but everything else was relatively routine. oh and this cousin of mine brought her other half to granny's place. turns out he has the same name as me. hurhur. my jap uncle came back just for this occasion and the weird thing is that he eats none other than chicken rice for all his meals. oh well guess they have a short supply of chickens in japan. cousins and i had a great time locking ourselves up in the room jamming with scores and songs we ripped off the net. yeah screw rias for all i care. but at least something for a change aye instead of mahjong sessions. dad finally decided to open the wine he had been keeping for eons. tasted sourish bitter? a pity the cognac wasn't opened as well else i would have my own concoction of bourbon coke and get everyone drunk. got to get back to work. exams next week plus that darn programming project, how comforting...

2005-02-07T01:26:00.001+08:00

fucking pissed after someone touched a raw nerve. but oh well seok was nice for once listening to my load of expletives though she failed miserably to cool me off. it would be nice for me to stop bitching so much. Well leaving a few as exceptions to that because they asked for it, or well sometimes what they say doesn't even deserve a response. So yeah i'm still gonna be evil. i'm just not gonna voice it out as much. but please don't push me aye? oh and something timo said set me thinking; well maybe not.

2005-01-30T01:25:00.000+08:00

All these precious moments, with you by my side
Must be a gift from heaven, that's holding me all night
I don't know how I found you
I'm thankful that I had
That I have a love so true
To hold, to keep, to share

In my heart, I can no longer hold inside
All of the love I used to hide
I'll always be with you until the very end.
In this world, there is no place I'd rather be
You are my life, my soul, my girl
And through it all, I know you'll come to see
That you're the one, till the end

All my friends surround me say you'll be gone too soon
Maybe i'm gonna make them see
We've found our way back home

In my heart, I can no longer hold inside
All of the love I used to hide
I'll always be with you until the very end
In this world, there is no place I'd rather be
You are my life, my soul, my girl
And through it all, I know you'll come to see
That you're the one, till the end
We'll always be, till the end

2005-01-29T02:03:00.000+08:00

this week had been pretty demoralizing but oh well i'll manage i guess. overslept and ended cabbing to school just for david chua's lesson which i couldn't afford to miss. hm had a nice conversation with zc yesterday night. been quite awhile aye. but nevertheless we had such fun relieving the heartwarming moments we had; from dumb antics like cheonging all the way down to changi and splurging our savings on some rod and back then we didn't have a slightest clue about fishing(what were we really thinking?) to playing rugby at some chalet yada yada. oh and not forgetting how we stayed back after to repaint the class due to some erm reasons? eh it didn't turn out too well though; the walls ended up with different colours. heh those were the days we spent messin around. on this rugged path was such friendship forged and never would i have any qualms about walking this path if such chances presented itself ever again.

and i've been thinking. there's this biggest grief in an average teenager's life. BGR. Some are perpetually in search for the status symbol, (sadly so) some looking for the soulmate while others are actively searching for the match created for them in heaven (naive?) and trying to match everyone to that criteria instead of waiting for the person to show up. It makes many people do many things, sometimes stupid, sometimes not, till they either get their way with the person or they forget about the person in favour of a new candidate for the open position of "soul mate", or as Dido put it - "life for rent". The rule of the game is some last, others don't and if u don't succeed the first time try again. Till you find that person you'll marry someday, who you'll assume as the match created just for you.

2005-01-15T23:55:00.000+08:00

went for my cousin's wedding dinner at meritius negara. restaurant was kinda small but the ambience was great with this guy playing the piano singing sentimental hits throughout. mm was looking forward to shark fins and yada yada but the dinner turned out to be peranakan. oh well its good to have a change once in awhile i guess. Alot of chilli stuff but the food were darn nice though plus red wine. first time i've pigged out in a long while aye. oh and audrey was damn cute. she has this beady eyes that melts ya inside. no chance to carry her though since she was busy entertaining herself with whatever she could get her hands on. a far cry from her bro who was relatively shy. hm but i can't help feeling old after seeing that i have so many nieces and nephews around. sheesh.

2005-01-08T02:30:00.000+08:00

life hasn't been all that great in this new year. the road ahead seems so bleak that sometimes i wonder if i'm ready for whats to come and hit me. i've learnt and seen what it is to love, to wait, to hurt, to trust and to hope. and along with it i've learnt how to comfort, to encourage, to sit and listen. to accept what comes my way, to change myself and adapt when things cannot be changed, to learn to live life truly, and let go when time calls for it. i guess i have also shut up quite a bit ever since what seok said. hurtful but those words were kinda true nevertheless. i've learnt to watch the world revolve around me or my world from the outside, and amuse myself at the stupidity of human nature(my human nature?). grimacing at the disappointments, pain and loss, and reflecting on the lessons learnt( i'll give a lil lesser this time round). but at least i take comfort in replaying, rewatching, and reliving the heartwarming, satisfying moments.

You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

2004-12-25T01:05:00.000+08:00

christmas eve wasn't that great. well ya can't expect me to enjoy it after what i've been through aye. went bumming in town with toh. kinda nice to see him after such a blimming long time. went there in hope of catching a show or something but damn most of the shows were fully booked, even those which were hours later. went over to borders to look for books. got to know this ns chap while browsing the MA section. it happens that he's from the national tkd squad so kinda had a chance to exchange pointers and pick up a thing or two. met my bro and co at kinokuniya before accompanying him to cine to exchange prezzies with one of his online pals. pasta mania was pack so had to make do with some steak restaurant for dinner. bummed around somemore while waiting for tw to haul his ass down from CHC's christmas service. bahx found myself in foam as people ran amok spraying confetti. oh and there was this punk who sprayed it at a group of guys and guess what? tsk he got whacked the hell outta him till his head bled outside borders. sheesh what a way to spend christmas.

2004-12-22T22:34:00.000+08:00

lesson today was as mundane as a Raj at a mosque giving lectures on his mum's curries. went down to meet timo and ling after lessons. reached there an hour early so ended up shopping alone first. gt a black checkered shirt from topman. kinda unique but ended burning a hole in my pocket. met them at ps afterwhich we bummed around and started shopping for stuff to make ling's prezzie for her beloved. the sheer fact that she intended to hand make something for him was kinda touching. looked all over in search of some ducky soft toy. scoured ps, hereen and finally cine for it. timo went off to meet steven and company while ling and i continue the duck search.tsk. mm something yellowish caught my eye at one of the shops in cine while we were just about to give up. and yesss it was that darn duck except the fact about it being the humongous version. ling got it anyway. aye but it was kinda cute and cuddly. even gave the quack quack grunt whenever ya squeeze its beak. went to taka for more shopping and gosh it was pack considering it was a weekday. guess everyone lurves last min shopping. walked down to fareast for dinner afterwhich we hauled our tired asses and cabbed home.

2004-12-19T22:30:00.000+08:00

woke up at 7 for church. sermon wasn't that dynamic but well it did give me something to think about my spiritual life. proceeded to granny's house for her birthday buffet. hung around and caught up with my cousins considering the fact that we get to meet about 2 or 3 times a year only. bahx and it was the usual comments on how my brother and i were so tall and stuff. sheesh little did i know that i have so many nieces and nephews. being called uncle at this age isn't exactly an appealing thing. mmm but its nice to feel young again playing with those little imps as if ya were a child alike. bummed around somewhat and decided to go to east coast for seafood with my cousins. food was great and the place was like by the beach. nothing beats having good food with the sea breeze in ya face. kinda deadbeat so not gonna go into anymore details. pray that i can get some peaceful sleep tonight.

2004-12-16T01:26:00.000+08:00

went to wisma to have my haircut today. looked all over for Shunji Matsuo like an idiot. finally found it inside Isetan. Shunji wasn't there so i had to make do with a japanese lady who was a director of some sort. arghh the fact that she spoke little english ended up in some miscommunication thus my hair was butchered. how comforting...

bummed around abit at topman looking at some tees. mmm they really have some nice ones there but pricing kinda steep. made my way down to hereen. wasn't in a mood for anything so i gave those students asking for donations the f*** off look. hurhur. went on to mambo to have a look at the sling bag seok told me about. gosh it was nice indeed. probably have a look at it again tml with timo. popped it at adidas to have a look but seems that their designs aren't that appealing anymore. oh well.

anyway kinda put off by how persistent CHC churchies can be. bugging ya all day to attend some christmas service of theirs at the SIS is really darn irritating. but kinda marvel at their enthusiasm.

And as I'm trusting in my Saviour's word,
Doubts and fears all cease.
And beneath the shelter of his wings
I'm at rest in perfect peace

2004-12-08T01:30:00.000+08:00

updating my blog after being stuck in some shyt hole for a week. made use of the chance to make peace with myself n kinda pieced together fragmented parts of my life that i have bottled up for a blimming long time. last thing i need is another breakdown. everyone longs for their own farytale but things don't usually turn out just the way you want it to. when the 2 pieces of puzzle you pick up just don't fit, when all along you thought they looked like they might. somehow my perception of life have changed.

one darn thing is for sure; no way i'm gonna be some dumb arse being tossed around like some rag doll. if people don't learn how to give and take why should i give a wuss abt them in the first place. only when they comprehend such a logic do they deserve to be labelled FRIENDS. and whats ever so ironic is how people ya least expect to be there for ya eventually become the ones who shine in ya night sky while the ones ya pin ya hopes on pull off some houdini vanishing act. no matter how close ya are to a person, never take things for granted. small lil things still do count. yes i'm indeed pissed so go blow a goat.

conversing with my lil angels and whiny lil sis has lighten my mood considerably. =)

o and i've decided to go on a training stint to chiang mai next yr. in the midst of planning though so nothing concrete.

2004-11-25T22:30:00.000+08:00

results are out !!! thank God i did relatively well; 3As 2Bs and 1B+ . went to the airport to pick my mum and my 2 couzzins up yesterday night. bahx and that dumb couzzin of mine left her jacket on the plane so got stuck in the arrival hall for another 45 min or so. mmm its always nice to catch up with adults and pick up a lesson or 2 abt life. was enlightened by quite a few stuff from my aunt during the drive to the airport.

o and can someone tell me should i complete my bike license which is like halfway through or save up for a zen micro?

2004-11-22T02:08:00.000+08:00

everything around me seems to be falling apart. more depressing is how ya can only watch helplessly and do nothing about it. guess thats how life is. Adversity reveals the true strength in us while good fortune conceals it. true isn't it? and its kinda annoying how people tend to be so critical of others that they're blinded by their own flaws. so often they refuse to acknowledge their fault when it is so evident.

haven't been able to sleep well these past few days. things just keep running through my head. bahx can't even get a solid 2 hours sleep. maybe this explains why my p2p relationship has got worst. i should just probably shut up.

2004-11-18T01:45:00.001+08:00

finally a breakaway. had billard with kiam in the morning at west coast recreation centre after which we lugged his cpu casing to meet some guy from hwz forum to have him cut a hole in it to fit the heat sink kiam bought. relatively nice job, he even went to the extent of filing the jagged edges.

bummed around at ps before moving on to meredien looking for devil wen. and did anyone know what a sad life she has? she's so freaking bored that she finds solace in playing freecell the whole day !! o yeah saw her other twin angel chan and her dar, quite a surprise. no wonder found that guy so familiar. walked all the way down to hereen and did i tell ya that some ulu shop was selling a small cup of strawberry juice for 6 bucks? bahx. shopped around for my adidas cap and a new ear stud while kiam went to hmv to get an avril lavinge cd. no more dling of songs, i'm sure rias would lurve him loads =)

2004-11-15T02:30:00.000+08:00

went to suntec for motorshow 2004 with kiam today and the cars are drop dead gorgeous. one can only dream of driving 1 of those babes in this lifetime. mmm but kinda disappointed at the lack of variety at the show. boo not even a skyline !!! gave the stunt performance a miss cos of the large crowd queing at the booth. mmm uploaded the pix i took so if ya wanna view it let me know.

ehx and guess i'll be giving the japan trip a miss afterall. too many commitments and a promise is still a promise afterall. haiz dunno if i'm too sensitive or something but seems that i'm failing at p2p relationship. dun seem to be able to hold a conversation with seok plus a few others thse few days. yeah and i've decided to let some close peeps go. tired of them being oblivious of things.

Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

2004-11-11T01:27:00.000+08:00

went bumming in town with zai and chunie and went on to catch princess diaries 2 at cineleisure. a romantic flick cum comedy, go catch it if ya have the time. poor chun had to put up with the both of us teasing her throughout the day. no hard feelings kz? its afterall in the name of fun =)

mmm n kinda quarrelled with my mum over my damn cousin again. haiz he's always the source of trouble but whatever, won't be too critical of him since i was as bad as it is. gonna turn in early tonight for once.

to err is human; to forgive is divine

2004-11-08T02:06:00.000+08:00

booo was watching the news yesterday night when they flashed the funeral scene of the china gurl. my heart kinda cried out for her, being taken away at such a young age when there's so much she's yet to do. and damn those typical singaporeans who cashed in on her death by buying lottery.this explains the huge turnout of people who turned up to give their token of appreciation and not mourn her death.

mmm have been catching up with my slp these few days and kinda become so nua. ehx and my mum's gonna go japan with my 2 cousins to help them renew their visas and i'll probably tag along if time permits. promised my lil angels some things so we'll see how things turn out.

2004-11-04T23:30:00.001+08:00

wooooo today marks the end of my semestral examssssss. no more late nights no more thick lecture notes, isn't that wonderful? mmm but kinda worried about the results. screwed the last section of my paper over and over again and it seems i couldn't get the damn PERT chart rite. bahx whatever it is i'm glad that everything's over.

proceeded on to ssc for a session of pool with kiam after the paper. leonard din wanna tag along so he went to the gym. first few games was okay but after that both of us were so damn tired and lethargic that balls kept flying all over the place. to think people were sitting there watching us *rolls eyes* held our hold there till the rain had subsided but it was still as heavy and kiam ended buying newspapers to cover himself.

mmm and did i mention how rough and uncouth can old people get? was taking the train back and an old lady in her attempt to alight virtually punched her way through the crowd and slammed the bag of some unlucky peep back at him.

ehx and today marks the start of A levels too. all the best to peeps out there esp to my lil angel cheryl !!! mug hard and have loads of rest kz?

2004-10-28T01:27:00.000+08:00

exammm bluessssss. haven't blogged in days, late nights taking its toll on me. neither have the time nor mood for it. 2 papers down and 2 more to go. database today was quite a breeze considering countless lectures and lab sessions to recap most topics. and i'm sooooooo dead, have just 3 days to cover networking and the book is like so freaking thick and erm its also my first time flipping through so.....

kinda pissed at how some gurls can be such bitches. damn how they treat peeps around them as tools or rather toys would be a much better term. when they need your company or to lend them a shoulder to cry on they'll be all sweet and nice otherwise ya're treated no better than dirt save for the "hi" and "bye" thingy. it becomes all the more disappointing when they're people who are close to ya. yes some may say they're too busy with things in life blah blah blah but something's amiss when the episode repeats itself. all the times spent sharing their woes seem so distant. on the contrary those who aren't that close are the ones who prove to be true. does the problem lies with me or them? i don't really have a clue. shadn't elaborate more.

2004-10-23T21:08:00.000+08:00

guess everyone of us has an ugly past. its not always about letting go and turning back to where the light is but rather putting up with others unchanging perception of ya. but I don't really give a damn, i am what i am. yes i aren't perfect and there's many things i wish i didn't do but i'm not about to start wallowing in self pity. on the contrary i'm not the least remorseful. afterall along the way, much cherished lessons were learned the HARD way plus experiencing some of the harshest realities in life few would ever encounter in this lifetime. some things in life ya just got to go out there and have a first hand view rather than just listen to others relate their experience aren't it?

anyway its nice to see peeps around ya start doing fufilling things in life. went to bbdc with long that day and had a lengthy chat with him. he's finally using his brains rather than his fists. decided to carry on with his studies next year. gonna pursue his higher nitec cert and hopefully move on to poly. bahx hope he settles down with serene for good. afterall all the credit should go to her for influencing the change in this ex jailbird over the years. mmm this entry is more of reflective, shadn't bore ya guys further.

2004-10-19T23:22:00.000+08:00

yesss...my blog is finally up and running. shd have been up earlier but thanks to me screwing the html code twice over again so this is it.

yupx yupx just found out that ming is out frm my brother. it so happens that he saw ming in william's friendster list. grrr and STUPID SPAWNIE knew abt it the whole time and it slipped her mind. *rolls eyes* has been 2 and a half yrs since he went in if my memory hadn't failed me. but at least its comforting to know that he had spent his last days with us though no one was informed abt what was to happen neither did anyone expected it. mmm but whatever it is i'm glad he's back. gt to make a point to contact him one of these days. haiz hope he haven't changed like cao did though.

bahx exams are like few days away and I haven't even started hitting the books. my lazy bums don't seem to listen to me? first thing on my checklist is to start sourcing around for lecture notes tml before getting started on my revision or ehx should I say my first time flipping through the books. no way I'm gonna fail any modules and gt stuck for another 6 months.

sometimes it makes me wonder if all these things happening around me was a sign or something. I wish I knew.

All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said

Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable ; come and take me away